All Time Low

I’m not really sure what this post is going to be about, but I just felt like I wanted to write. Something. Anything. It doesn’t matter what.

My blog is my outlet and I’ve neglected it and left it alone for too long. I started writing posts that I thought my readers would want to read, but they weren’t necessarily what I wanted to write. I feel like I’ve lost my mojo and I don’t know how to get it back.

Maybe writing this will help, maybe it won’t. Who knows?

When I started my blog, just over 2 years ago, I wrote as and when I wanted to, and I wrote what I wanted to write, what I felt, how I was coping.

Somewhere along the way I lost that, and I want to get it back. I want that feeling of pressing publish, knowing that I’ve opened up to my readers, and I’ve been completely raw and honest with them. That there is nothing that I’m hiding from my readers, or from myself.

I want my readers to see the real me.

The one who cries, the one who gets anxious, the one who struggles to get out of bed on a daily basis. The one who sleeps through her alarm when fatigue is bad. The one who is constantly fighting an uphill battle. The one who has 5 meltdowns in one day.

The one that I try to hide.

I hate people knowing or thinking that I’m struggling. I want to appear strong and capable. I want to appear healthy. But that’s just not true.

Sometimes I’m not strong, sometimes I’m not capable, and most of the time I’m sure as hell not healthy. I hate people seeing me at my worst, but sometimes it just can’t be helped.

I don’t want to be this person, and a lot of the time I’m not. But today, I am. And instead of hiding it and pretending everything is ok, I need to be open about it, and talk about it.

Right now, I feel like I’m drowning. There’s a little voice constantly telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’m not strong enough, that I’m just not enough at all. I’m second guessing myself, everything I say, everything everybody else says. I’m questioning things that shouldn’t be questioned. I’m worrying about things that shouldn’t be worried about, and neglecting things that shouldn’t be neglected.

My ME/CFS is playing up, and my mental health is playing up, and I’m not ok. I’m an expert at bottling things up and pretending everything is fine. I’m an expert at plastering a smile on my face and acting completely normal. But I’m also an expert at crying myself to sleep at night. I’m an expert at letting it all get too much at exactly the wrong time. I’m an expert in taking things the wrong way and making things ten times worse for myself. I’m an expert of being my own worst enemy.

Yesterday was a bad day. So was the day before. And so is today. But instead of trying to hide it, I’m trying to accept it. I’m trying to be honest about it, and ask for help.

I’m not ok, but I will be soon.

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Dear Diary || Ups & Downs

Hello peeps! I can’t quite believe it is August already! You know what that means? It’s my birthday this month! Woooooo I’m feeling 22! Can you tell I’m excited? It’s actually not because I’m doing anything, I have literally nothing planned at the moment other than seeing some friends from school, but I’m just excited to be 22! Anyone who knows me will know I hate odd numbers, and so I’m glad to be leaving 21 and entering into an even age. Also, I was born on the 22ndit was meant to be. I just feel like my 22nd year in life is going to be my year. I feel confident that things are going to go well, and I’m excited for it!

But anyway, this post isn’t supposed to be about me getting excited for my birthday, it’s to talk about July, what I’ve been up to and my monthly update into how I’m doing with my illness.

Not great, to put it bluntly. Not terrible, but not great. I realised last week that each time I went out for a social event, I would be in bed for the next couple of days, and no, that’s not with a hangover! It seems as though my health has taken a slight turn for the worse. I used to be able to go on the odd night out and it wouldn’t affect me straight away, it would take two or three really busy days that week to really cause me to be ill, but at the moment those two or three days have turned into one or two. And that’s ok, it’s not the worst I’ve been, it’s not the best. But now that I know this, I can accept it and pace myself accordingly. I can schedule in days after a busy day to rest and recuperate, and also a couple of days beforehand to make sure I’m well-rested.

July has been a difficult month, but I've got through it and now it's time to concentrate on my health!

I also seem to be struggling with alcohol more than normal. I’ve always gone through phases where I’ve been intolerant of alcohol, where even just the smell or a couple of sips can make me feel ill, but recently I’ve been able to drink it but it’s been making me very ill in the days to come afterwards. Again, not in the form of a hangover! I don’t have to drink very much at all, and definitely don’t need to be drunk for it to affect me and cause me to be ill for a couple of days with all of the symptoms under the sun. I’m talking the extreme fatigue, the chronic pain, the brain fog, the light, sound and even smell sensitivity, the dizziness, the insomnia… I could go on but I think you get the idea!

What can I do about this then? Well the obvious thing would just to be not drink, and on the whole I can do that. I can literally go weeks without a drink, but obviously if I’m going out with friends or going to a party, I’d like to be able to have a couple of glasses of prosecco! So I just have to be really mindful of what I’m drinking, how much I’m drinking, and be sensible when it comes to my health. I’m saying this, when I’m off to the races this afternoon and will almost definitely be drinking… it’s called balance!

After three years, I do find it a lot easier to spot the signs when I’m doing too much and need to slow down, but I also find it too easy to ignore it and keep pushing and then end up seriously regretting it. My priority at the moment is to completely rest and make sure that when September comes around, I am completely rested and ready to tackle 3rd year. I need to have a good routine, with a good and healthy balance with food and exercise and a good idea of how much is too much.

But before I go and concentrate on my health, let’s go back over a few things that happened in July…

Afternoon Tea & Cocktails

This was for my Aunt’s 50th and so 6 of us went out for afternoon tea (the picture above (left) was for just two of us!) and then for cocktails on the quayside. This was then followed by A LOT of prosecco with a quiz night back at the house until about 2 in the morning!

Spontaneous Night Out with the Girls

Italian Day

One of our relatives decided to do an Italian themed party (not fancy dress, just food and drink!) but my immediate family (parents, aunt, uncle & family) decided to take things one step further and dress up in Italian themed costume! We’re a crazy bunch…


I also moved house in July, which is very exciting but unfortunately I haven’t got any pictures yet but maybe by the next Dear Diary I will have some so watch this space! I’ve moved in with two of my best friends in York and I am so excited it’s finally happened! This past year in a shared house has been a complete disaster to be quite honest as some of the people I’ve lived with, I just did not get on with. Out of 5 of us in the house, there’s only one other girl I’m close with now, and she is also one of my closest friends in York so it’s not all bad! This next year should be completely different though as there’s only 3 of us, so everything should be a lot calmer and less stressful!

So there we go! A little update with my health and what I got up to in pictures! I hope you enjoyed it and I’m hoping to have a few more posts out this month than last, health permitting of course! I’ve got a very loose schedule of posts but I’m not putting any pressure on myself to blog if I’m not up to it, but fingers crossed I will be this month!

What did you get up to in July?

Until next time,

Amy xxx (1)

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Daily Vitamins & Supplements

Hello! I have finally got round to writing up my post about the vitamins and supplements that I take. As someone with a chronic illness, I know how easy it is to suddenly find yourself taking far too many medications and actually forgetting to take them because you have so many to remember! Continue reading “Daily Vitamins & Supplements”

Dear Diary || It’s Time to be Honest

It’s time to be honest…

This isn’t going to be one of my normal Dear Diary posts, where I tell you what I’ve been up to and what my goals are for the next month, it’s going to be more like an actual dear diary post where I tell you how I’m really feeling.

Continue reading “Dear Diary || It’s Time to be Honest”

Confessions of a Spoonie || Susan Shortt

Bio

Hi! I’m Susan Kleven Shortt! 

I have chronic physical and mental illnesses. I write about the challenges of living with illness, as well as what is helpful to me, and the hobbies and interests that keep me positive. I am a social service worker and have also worked as an educator. Continue reading “Confessions of a Spoonie || Susan Shortt”

Dear Diary || May 17′

Hello everyone! You may have noticed that I have been very absent on my blog over the past few weeks, and I do apologise! Especially to those of you who are waiting on your guest posts to go live – I will be rescheduling them over the next couple of weeks and one will go live every Sunday (if everything goes to plan!). This post will mainly be reflecting on May, and will end with a few of my June goals, and also I will let you know what sort of posts you can expect to see from me this month! Continue reading “Dear Diary || May 17′”