My health hasn’t been perfect for the past 6 or 7 years. Since getting Glandular fever at 16, it’s been a constant roller coaster. The main thing I’ve struggled with has got to be my weight. But unfortunately, for me to lose weight, I need to focus on my health.
Weight Loss or Weight Gain?
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you just cannot bring yourself to love your body.
I’ve been trying to do this whole ‘body positivity’ thing now for MONTHS and just when I think I’ve conquered it, self doubt creeps in and I have to start all over again.
There’s a constant battle in my mind to love my body, but to also lose weight. And, to be honest, it seems impossible to do both.
After being diagnosed with PCOS, I really thought that I would be motivated to really focus on my health. To do it for the right reasons and that I would naturally lose weight. I was wrong. I couldn’t be less motivated. Maybe it’s this time of year, maybe in the back of my mind I just know I won’t succeed, maybe I just don’t want to? I don’t know. What I do know is that it seems to be more difficult than ever.
I feel like the opposite is happening. I’ve put even more weight on just in the past month. Every time I look in the mirror I hate what I see.
I have to remind myself that if losing weight was easy, everyone would do it. If loving your body was easy, everyone would do it. If focusing on your health and not what you look like was easy, everybody would do it.
But they don’t. Because its not easy.
I said I was going to be body positive, but it’s hard when you don’t even have to weigh yourself to know you’re putting on weight. Instead of self love, I’ve got self doubt.
So, what am I going to do about it?
Honestly? I’m going to wait until after Christmas. I know I know. It’s such a cliché to start a ‘diet’ or try to lose weight in the New Year. But I’m not doing it because it’ll be the New Year. I’m doing it because I want to enjoy my Christmas without feeling guilty. I want to be able to spend time with my family and friends without worrying about what I can and can’t eat.
I don’t want to head into the New Year still feeling miserable about my body. I might not be body positive yet, but I can still be positive and optimistic.
It will happen. It has to happen… right? I needs to happen, for my health. For my future. For me.
Everything else in my life seems to be going well, this is one thing that isn’t. 2019 is the year that will change.
What are your ultimate goals for 2019?
Until next time,