Dear Diary || It’s Time to be Honest
It’s time to be honest…
This isn’t going to be one of my normal Dear Diary posts, where I tell you what I’ve been up to and what my goals are for the next month, it’s going to be more like an actual dear diary post where I tell you how I’m really feeling.
For the past month I have been suffering from what I can only assume is sciatica, and it is not shifting. This, along with a busy month (for me anyway) has caused me this past week to crash. It’s not something I can control, and it’s not something I can really prevent when I’ve been busy, but is something that just happens now and again and when it hits me, it can hit me hard.
I’ve actually been quite lucky this time as it hasn’t hit me quite as bad as it could have done, but it has definitely hit me. However, this is resulted in me feeling very down and very negative about things. I have very little motivation to do anything (not very helpful when I have an assignment due on Friday) and I have completely lost interest in my health and fitness journey.
Each night I am going to bed nearly in tears because I feel so miserable, and I can’t control it. I wake up feeling slightly more positive and try and start the day fresh and motivated, but by early afternoon it starts quickly slipping away until I feel like I’m heading towards the black hole.
I don’t suffer from depression, and nor do I claim to, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling down. This has been one of those weeks where I have definitely been feeling down, and very helpless.
I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of feeling down, and I’m tired of being tired.
A couple of short breaks away and a couple of nights out, over the course of a whole month, has resulted in me feeling constantly fatigued and utterly fed up.
Any other normal person would have managed all of that, and more, without feeling even slightly exhausted, yet I, a seemingly healthy, young 21 year old can’t.
I can’t even manage running for a train without my back going and causing me to be in pain for the whole of the trip. Pain that no one even realises I’m in unless I specifically tell them.
I can’t manage to go into a swimming pool or a sauna because I’m too self-conscious of my body and what I look like to even take off my robe.
I can’t sit upright for more than 5 minutes without being in agony and so I spend my days alternating between lying flat on the bed or walking around.
I try and stay positive all the time, telling myself and the people around me that things will be ok and that “I just need to rest for today and then I’ll be ok tomorrow”. But tomorrow doesn’t seem to come.
Tomorrow hasn’t come in a long time and it is for that reason why I am sick and tired of my body and what it can’t do, and what it won’t let me do.
I started writing this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and somewhere along the line I got too bogged down with stats and scheduling that I forgot to just write how I was feeling in that moment. So that is what I’ve done now. A true dear diary, with no reflections, no plans and no goals for the future, just a message for everyone reading this that a lot can go on behind closed doors, and just because somebody doesn’t look like or tell you they are in pain or are suffering, it doesn’t mean they aren’t.