Dear Diary || It’s Time To Be Honest

It’s time to be honest…

This isn’t going to be one of my normal Dear Diary posts, where I tell you what I’ve been up to and what my goals are for the next month, it’s going to be more like an actual dear diary post where I tell you how I’m really feeling.

Just because somebody doesn’t look like or tell you they are in pain or are suffering, it doesn’t mean they aren’t.
For the past month I have been suffering from what I can only assume is sciatica, and it is not shifting. This, along with a busy month (for me anyway) has caused me this past week to crash. It’s not something I can control, and it’s not something I can really prevent when I’ve been busy, but is something that just happens now and again and when it hits me, it can hit me hard.
I’ve actually been quite lucky this time as it hasn’t hit me quite as bad as it could have done, but it has definitely hit me. However, this is resulted in me feeling very down and very negative about things. I have very little motivation to do anything (not very helpful when I have an assignment due on Friday) and I have completely lost interest in my health and fitness journey.
Each night I am going to bed nearly in tears because I feel so miserable, and I can’t control it. I wake up feeling slightly more positive and try and start the day fresh and motivated, but by early afternoon it starts quickly slipping away until I feel like I’m heading towards the black hole.
I don’t suffer from depression, and nor do I claim to, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling down. This has been one of those weeks where I have definitely been feeling down, and very helpless.
I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of feeling down, and I’m tired of being tired.
A couple of short breaks away and a couple of nights out, over the course of a whole month, has resulted in me feeling constantly fatigued and utterly fed up.
Any other normal person would have managed all of that, and more, without feeling even slightly exhausted, yet I, a seemingly healthy, young 21 year old can’t.
I can’t even manage running for a train without my back going and causing me to be in pain for the whole of the trip. Pain that no one even realises I’m in unless I specifically tell them.
I can’t manage to go into a swimming pool or a sauna because I’m too self-conscious of my body and what I look like to even take off my robe.
I can’t sit upright for more than 5 minutes without being in agony and so I spend my days alternating between lying flat on the bed or walking around.
I try and stay positive all the time, telling myself and the people around me that things will be ok and that “I just need to rest for today and then I’ll be ok tomorrow”. But tomorrow doesn’t seem to come.
Tomorrow hasn’t come in a long time and it is for that reason why I am sick and tired of my body and what it can’t do, and what it won’t let me do.
I started writing this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and somewhere along the line I got too bogged down with stats and scheduling that I forgot to just write how I was feeling in that moment. So that is what I’ve done now. A true dear diary, with no reflections, no plans and no goals for the future, just a message for everyone reading this that a lot can go on behind closed doors, and just because somebody doesn’t look like or tell you they are in pain or are suffering, it doesn’t mean they aren’t.
Amy xxx (1)

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  1. 3rd July 2017 / 10:48 am

    This is such an honest, open post so thank you for sharing. I know I can’t say anything to make things any better, I just want you to know that you’re not as alone as you may feel. I reach points of feeling utterly fed up and almost uncontrollably frustrated with myself and my body. As you say, a lot can go on behind closed doors and with invisible illness, we may look fine but our bodies are anything but. It’s hard when you get in that cycle to appreciate the things that you can do, to work on pacing etc, and something I think we do just need to feel miserable, to mourn what we feel we’ve lost or the things we can’t do like we ‘should’, like others our age can. Just wanted to send a hug your way Amy..x
    Caz 🙂

    • 3rd July 2017 / 11:38 am

      Thank you so much for your beautiful comment Caz, I can’t tell you how much it means to me. You’re definitely right, sometimes we do just need that time to be miserable when things get tough. Thanks again, and I hope you’re doing well xxx

  2. Rosalind Pearl
    22nd August 2017 / 11:22 pm

    Totally with you on this. Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting. I’m gutted I can’t wave a magic wand over you, but I want you to know you’re not alone xx

    • 23rd August 2017 / 6:21 am

      Thank you Rosalind! I’m sure there’s a lot of people who wish there was a magic wand! Xx

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